This weekend two of my friends married each other! It was a really joyful occasion and so much fun! I gave the blessing which was an amazing honor. I look back at this year and I feel so blessed! Weddings used to be bittersweet for me because I used to compare myself to everyone else and then feel inadequate because I didn't like myself very much. Last December I made a goal:
This year, I will learn how to love myself.
Then I set out on accomplishing that goal. I consulted with other professionals, peers, books, classes, documentaries.
Growing up, "I don't know," was never an acceptable answer because only stupid people didn't know stuff and we weren't stupid. Looking back, my parents had the best intentions but what they created in me was the fear of being honest. Becoming a nurse has been the best decision I've ever made. As nurses we are encouraged to be honest and say, "I don't know," when it's followed by, "but I will find out." Then you look for the answer because you promised your patient you would. After 18 years of not being allowed to say… anything, it was a hard habit to break.
It took me until I was 25 to say, "I don't know how to love myself… but I will find out." Then I did. That's slowly becoming the second best decision I've ever made. I really couldn't be happier with my life and more proud of myself.
Like I said, weddings used to make me feel lonely and bittersweet because I would spend the night in my own head feeling insecure. Last night I was happy to be at the singles table; I had a wonderful time all because I decided to figure out how to love myself. I looked stunning, I made lots of friends, and had an amazing time living in the moment instead of my head. For the first time in my life I don't feel lonely. My life is bursting with love. All I can say is you get what you give if you demand it. I treat others AND myself with honesty, love, respect and kindness; I expect the same in return. If individuals don't want to abide by that then they don't have to be part of my life. I used to be afraid of being honest and having standards, not anymore.
Honesty is so important when healing from emotional trauma. I had to look at my whole life with blinders off and recognize where I went wrong so I could learn from my mistakes. If a person isn't honest with themselves then they're just lying. I used to lie to myself all the time. Looking at myself and my life for what it is now and accepting it, warts and all, has made me so much happier than lying to myself pretending everything was fine. This year I set out to love myself and I accomplished that goal. Pretty badass :)
I am bursting with love and happiness :)